Friday, April 20, 2012


Today was the calendar appointment.

I still have a 13 days of birth control. And a few days after lupron and then stims.

We have a mandatory counseling session and a med training as well. Everything just seems so overwhelming. At the same time, I'm feeling the err's of the waiting! I am so not a patient person.

Our RN Patty is awesome! She tells you everything straight up. She does not sugar coat anything. So I'm looking at 4 injections a day, Xanax, a pill for nausea and more antibiotics. I hate all the medications. I will one day.....feel normal. This is my hopes!! Hopefully a baby in the process!

I'm excited to see what the stims bring.

So....more to come!!

Sunday, April 1, 2012


So much going on. I'm getting overly frustrated as the days drag on. I'll blow one day soon, I feel it. Yay

Wednesday, March 21, 2012


Monday AF came. I wasn't even supposed to test until tomorrow (3-22) SO..........that's how it usually goes. She'll come before it's time.

I found out my progesterone level the next day and it was a WHOPPING 2. According to that number, I didn't even ovulate. And the Nurses at ORM-just.....don't care. They know it's a bad number and STILL try to convince me everything is fine. "I've seen someone's progesterone at 1, and have a healthy baby today"....COM'ON REALLY!?!?

So I left my Nurse a message and told her that AF came, and I was NOT Interested in another IUI, after 7 of these...I'm pretty certain they are not going to work. And I knew she would call back and try to talk me out of it. Or to say, talk me INTO another IUI.

Nobody can tell me anything...why? I know lots of women have "unexplained" fertility, but I just don't think my Doctor is really concerned on WHY it's not happening for me. To him I am just a number and another case of "let's try a new medication"...I've done them all buddy...WHAT'S NEXT!

Paperwork is in the mail for us to fill out for IVF. I've already given half my blood away yesterday and I have a sound check next Thursday. They say there is a deposit, depending on my DEPENDING on how much the deposit is, will determine if we will actually go through a IVF cycle.

My mom keeps telling me to stop...but I know me. And for those who know me...know that I am all the way in or all the way out. Some people close to me, won't like the all the way out Tonia.

And my emotions are so out of whack these days, I don't even know what I want anymore. I want to give up. I want to work on ME again. And then....Oh who knows, who cares.

Tanning, kick-boxing and Zumba has started again. First class, I feel great.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Off the sauce

Tonight was my final shot EVER!!

I had a half mm of a trigger boost. Tomorrow I will know my progesterone. That number is usually pretty good, not that it ever means anything good...for me at least.

I read a post not too long ago and it read "off the sauce until further notice, gotta get my sanity back".... That is ME!!!!! All these meds are taking their evil toll on me. Breaking out, moody, can't poop, poop too much, moody and just over all tired of living each month in 2 week prepare-2 week wait.

I still have totally feels like AF cramps. I try to stay positive, I really do...but it's hard to not go from my gut feeling. And I'm certain this time is a bust. I'm okay with that. I have to stop at some point and just know everything happens for a reason. God gave me my Shelby and she is fine being the only one that gets all my attention :)

I'll update soon.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

7dpiui 3/11/12

Crampy is about all I'm getting. It kinda feels like af cramps, but that's not due until the 21st. I love that af is always due 1 day before I'm to test, she shows up faithfully so I never have to waste the money on pregnancy tests.

This round was nasty, I'm not a fan of taking shots for 10 days! All the scan, checks....all the co-pays...this whole process is wearing thin. Of course I want a baby, but how much longer can I put my sanity on the line for it until I break. I don't think Mendy understands at times. Whenever she has something to say, my reply is always the same " you carry this one"....never gonna happen.

I've stopped a few months back into reading every little just makes me more insane during the 2ww....this first week actually was not bad at all, just because of my busy schedule. When I got things to do, not much for me dwindle on. And today is no different, taking the girls to the park so we can throw some balls, getting ready for softball drafts. Then I'm going to venture to the garage and pull out all my Easter decorations.

Tomorrow is progesterone blood drawl and then another trigger booster....that will be the last shot for awhile!!! Going off the sauce until further notice!!!!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

TTC is hard work

I am currently in medicated cycle 6 of TTC.

July-September 2011- ttc using known donor all BFN

October 2011- Clomid, Trigger, IUI BFN

November 2011- Clomid, Trigger, IUI BFN

December 2011- Higher dosage of Clomid, Trigger, IUI BFN

***NOTE: At this point the Clomid is making me IMPOSSIBLY CRAZY***

January 2012- I refused Clomid and went to Femera with Trigger, IUI BFN

Febuary 2012- HSG-All plumbing in working order :) Scan on a Monday follies not mature enough, RE said to come back that Friday....That Friday scan determined I had already ovulated :S YES I WAS.....PISSED. I was getting used to all the BFN's, this month I was already OUT before I started. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Current (March 2012) Today I start injectables.

This is a crazy ride. I never expected it to be this hard. I have a 11 year old daughter so I know these ovaries and tubes worked at least once :S

All my numbers are good, lining, progesterone, HSG was perfect, follies are maturing a few on each side...just not sure what the problem is. The BFN's bring me down, I can't help but to think it's age, weight, medication I'm taking, or simply God does not want me to have another baby.

I promised myself that after a couple rounds of injectables and still BFN, I am done trying. Luckily my insurance pays for EVERYTHING! From all the meds to the scans, IUI's and they even cover 4 IVF's in a lifetime. All the coverage in the world can't ease the let down of trying and "failing". My partner is my cheerleader...she has seen me go through the mood swings, the instant crying, laughing and mean in the same 2 minute span. This is weighing on her as well, even though she tries to stay strong. She wants me to continue trying because she wants this badly. BUT...two rounds and I have to be done, mentally It's driving me insane.

This past 9 months has been chopped up into two, 2 week life for me. Everything is timed, and it has draggggggggggged on. I almost crave the time when I waited on nothing and WHOOPS my period is here today. These days I know when it's coming, I wait on it. Ugh. And she comes faithfully....that bitch :P

So....injectables....I've been reading up on this and it seems like this could be it. Kate Plus 8, got her 6 using injectables, and I've read tons of sucess stories. So we shall see....I will keep you posted!